My Nose Will Grow
by Caligalux
Summary: Pinocchio invokes a paradox to short out the Blue Fairy's magic on his nose, enabling him to lie all he wants, thus taking him on a VERY different path from the original film... NOW COMPLETE
1. Nasal Conquest

Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket were walking home to Geppetto's place after being busted out by the Blue Fairy. "Man!" Pinoc whined, "It really blows that I can't tell lies without my nose giving me away—" And no sooner had he said that when a thought most genius came to him, and as soon as the words had formed in his mind, he spoke aloud: "_MY NOSE WILL GROW!_" Just then his nose grew. But then it shrank. But then it grew again, and it bounced a little until it finally settled and belched a few teal sparks. "YES!" Pinoc rejoiced, "I conquered my nose!" And he proceeded on his way to the pub for a drink. "Uh, Pinoc," Jiminy protested, "are you sure about this?"  
"Of course I'm sure!" The amoral puppet replied. So he went into the pub and sat down. "Name your poison" the bartender said. "Gimme the hardest thing you got!" the wooden-wanna-be-real-boy demanded eagerly. "It's your kidneys…" the bartender said, turning around to mix the drink, believing that the puppet had literally "named his poison".

A minute or two later, he turned around gave Pinocchio the drink. The grisly old sailor sitting in the stool next to them got one whiff of the drink, and keeled over. Jiminy looked nervously at Pinocchio and said "I don't think you should drink that, Pinoc."  
"His senses probably just couldn't take such strong liquor anymore—"  
"He's an old sailor. He should be able to down ten _barrels_ of liquor and not skip a beat!"  
"…Well I'm also made of wood!" The puppet replied, and took a giant swig. "See? No trouble at all. In fact, this stuff is really goo—"


	2. The Starcrushers

Pinocchio was shaken awake by the bartender and Jiminy. "Wha? Huh?" he asked, vision still blurry. "You gotta go home now, kid. You been laying on that floor for eight hours now and you're under foot and bad for business." Pinocchio was stunned. "Eight hours!"  
"I told you." Jiminy said, disgusted at the person he'd been assigned to as a conscience.

The two were kicked out of the bar, and left to walk the streets. Just then, Honest John and Gideon appeared. "Hey kid!" Honest John yelled. Pinoc didn't hear him. "Kid!" Honest John tried again. Nothing. "Yo dill weed! Ears made o' wood or somethin'?" Then our heroes heard them. Pinoc went over to reply. Gideon saw that the boy they were addressing was in fact a magical stringless puppet, said "Holy crap, boss, his ears really are made o' wood."  
"Yes, all of me is made of wood." Pinoc said, getting impatient. "Can I help you two?"  
"I just couldn't help but notice how _sick_ and _weary_ you look, my dear boy!" Honest John lied. "Yeah…sick!" Gideon echoed. "We think you should get some _treatment_ and _help_." He continued, and Gideon once followed up with "Yeah…treatment!"  
"Maybe you're right… I did just have an awful big drink. Know which way the hospital is?" Pinoc asked. "Hospital?" Honest John asked, "Pffff! Those doctors just wanna get you high and drugs and low on money! I'm talking _therapy!_"  
"Yeah…thera—" Gideon was interrupted by Honest John who was frankly sick of him doing that. "Anyway… You don't want no hospital with all the waiting rooms and janitors who unplug your life support to plug in their vacuum cleaner. You want something…_holistic!_ I say _Pleasure Island!_ Where you can please yourself all the way back to health! It's the only place I trust when I get sick. And look at me!"  
"Which was is Pleasure Island, mister?" Pinocchio asked, getting excited. "All you gotta do to get there is—" and suddenly a giant spaceship came down from the sky and it's low-hanging airlock crushed Honest John and Gideon both. "NOOOOO!" The little puppet screamed in horror at witnessing their deaths. "Now I'll never get to Pleasure Island!" From the airlock emerged a tall, thin man in a dark blue jumpsuit with red and green trim. His hair was cut short and he looked slightly like one of the members of Kraftwerk. "Greetings, young puppet and anthropomorphic cricket, we have come to take you aboard our ship. Please come now."  
"Why should I get on board your spaceship?" Pinocchio asked, suspiciously. "We have Newports." The man replied. "I'm sold." Pinoc said.

They stepped aboard the ship and it took off. The interior was all metal. They walked down a long, sterile-looking hallway. The Kraftwerk-looking man walked in perfect form. They then reached a large round control room. There were seats and knobs and screens and panels everywhere. There were all kinds of men dressed like members of Kraftwerk operating the ship. At the center was a large chair, which rotated to face them. In it sat a large man who was dressed like a cross between Jack Sparrow, Optimus Prime, Homer Simpson and Austin Powers. "Eighty-Two," the seated man said, "who have you brought me?"  
"I'm—" Pinoc began, but Jiminy shut him and whispered "I'll do the talking!" He then spoke to the leader. "This is Pinocchio the puppet, and my name is Jiminy Cricket. I am Pinocchio's conscience."  
"I see. You have done well, Eighty-Two. You are dismissed."  
"Thank you, Commander." Eighty-Two (the man who lead Pinoc and Jiminy aboard) said, saluted the commander, and left.

"Welcome aboard, Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket. I am Commander Forthwith, and we are the Starcrushers."  
"The Starcrushers?" Pinoc and Jiminy asked in unison.  
"Yes. We earned our name due to our causing the structural collapse of more than a few celestial entities. We thought it sounded cool and menacing, so we named our organization Starcrushers Inc. Nine Inch Nails even did a song about us, but they changed the word 'crushers' to 'fuckers' to sound more hardcore. Anyway, we are on a quest to find the greatest guitar solo in the entire universe. We have searched thousands of worlds in thousands of galaxies for the past five years."  
"Are you gonna take me to Pleasure Island?" Pinoc asked eagerly.  
"No." Commander Forthwith said. "We committed genocide of Pleasure Island as well as killing all the inhabitants. You will be under our care now."

"Everyone take a seat! We're about to enter hyper speed!" one of the Kraftwerk look-a-likes yelled. Commander Forthwith told Pinocchio and Jiminy "Take a seat over there," pointing to a seat in the corner of the room, "and buckle yourselves in. This craft travels very fast." He then rotated his seat around to face the gigantic windshield on the other side of the round control room. Pinoc walked over to the seat and sat down. But after about four seconds he got bored and started walking down a corridor. "Pinoc, what are you doing?" Jiminy asked.  
"Exploring." The puppet said nonchalantly. "But didn't the Commander order us to strap in?" Jiminy reminded him.  
"Screw the Commander!" Pinocchio said defiantly. "This is a big ship, anyway. How fast can it possibly go?

Then suddenly over the intercom came what they assumed was a countdown:  
"_Hamar…bederatzi…zortzi…zazpi…sei…bost…lau…hiru…bi…bat… hon hizkuntza erabil naiz Euskara da eta gu euli azkar!_


	3. School's Out

Pinocchio was truly surprised by just _how_ fast the ship accelerated. It went from zero to 30,000 mph in one second! The small Italian puppet was hurled down the corridor at a terrifying speed. He fell down the hallway and landed against a sealed bulkhead door with a very hard _**BANG!**_ If he weren't made of wood, that would have been very painful, but fortunately the Blue Fairy hadn't made him a real boy when she coaxed him to life.

After about ten seconds, the ship finally reached cruising speed and the G-force eased off. Over the intercom came the words "_Ondo. Guztiak ona da._" Pinoc fell to the floor, rubbing his head. Jiminy showed up. "You okay, Pinoc?"  
"Wow, that was faster than I expected." Pinocchio said, still stunned. "You should have listened to Commander Forthwith!" Jiminy scolded.

"Young puppet! Anthropomorphic cricket! Are you alright?" One of the Kraftwerk-men called, marching toward the pair. "It has come to our understanding that you failed to buckle yourself safely during entry into hyper speed. You are not injured, correct?"  
"Don't think so…" Pinocchio said.  
"Good." The man said quickly. "We are approaching our destination: Hogwarts in Great Britain."  
"Huh?" Pinoc and Jiminy said in unison.  
"A horrible crime against music, literature, and sentient life in general is being committed. We were notified by a woman named Brittany of a Mary Sue infestation ravaging the school. We have are going in to exterminate the offenders."

The ship gradually slowed down, and out the windshield could be seen a very badly damaged castle that looked as though it had been very hastily painted pink with a mural of Avril Lavine and then hastily repainted black with a mural of Gerard Way. Suddenly on screen came a very preppy man wearing all black with pale white skin, no nose and no nose. He spoke to the Starcrushers. "Attention ye Starcrushers! Thou shalt be destroyed by the mighty powers of Lord Volxemort! Abera—" Commander Forthwith calmly pressed a button and Volxemort was vaporized. "Is there anyone else in the immediate air space who might be a nuisance to us?" the Commander asked. "There are a few RAF jets about six miles away on a training mission." One crew member reported. "If they get within a mile of us, take them out, too. Nothing can get in our way. We must remain efficient."

Pinocchio and Jiminy watched as the Starcrushers took the ship in lower, and hovered over courtyard of the school, searching for signs of life. "Do you detect anyone, Forty-Four?" Forthwith asked.  
"Not outside," replied Forty-Four, "but our sensors detect activity within the castle walls."  
"Blast away that wall there. Do it now." Forthwith ordered, and shortly a large section of wall was destroyed, revealing a group of squabbling Goths. One had long black ebony hair, a My Chemical Romance t-shirt, a neon green and hot pink miniskirt, and leather fishnets. This was Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way.

"That's her, Commander!" Forty-Four called. "That's the queen-Sue!"  
"Take her and the other Mary Sues out, now," Forthwith ordered, "before they do more damage to the collective sanity of the universe!" And they started blasting, vaporizing the Goths. "Fokin' prepz!" Enoby shrieked, and started shooting badly formed spells at the Starcrushers. "What should we do, Commander?" one crew member asked. "This has proven more serious than I originally perceived. The situation is beyond repair. We must level the entire place" Forthwith said. They ascended to about 200 feet, armed a single massive laser, and fired it on the deteriorating castle. There was a flash of light, and then only a scorched patch of ground where the building had once been. "Should we spread salt on the ground, Commander?" Eighteen asked. "No," Commander Forthwith said, "I don't think that will be necessary. Besides, we must continue our search for the ultimate guitar solo."


	4. Monstro

After taking out the wizard school and Mary Sues, the Starcrushers took off once again to continue their search. "Commander Forthwith," Pinocchio asked, "after watching you and seeing just _how_ powerful you guys are, you think you could help me find my dad? I wanna know how he's doing."  
"Oh yes," Commander Forthwith said, "we could easily track him. What is his name?"  
"Geppetto." Pinoc answered.  
"I can do that" Forthwith said. "Twenty-Three, I need you to locate a man named 'Geppetto'."  
"I'm on it, Commander." Twenty-Three replied, saluting, and then began his work.

The giant windshield turned into a search screen, and Twenty-Three was searching every corner of the earth (digitally) for people named Geppetto. "There is only one person on this planet who bears that name, Commander." Twenty-Two said, on completing his search. "There are, however, possibly more on Denirona orbiting Edin."  
"The man we are looking for could not possibly be on Denirona. Where is the Geppetto on Planet Earth?" Commander Forthwith said.  
"He and his company have been swallowed by a whale halfway between the city where we picked up the puppet and the anthropomorphic cricket and the ruins of Pleasure Island."  
Pinocchio was horrified to hear this. "NO!"  
"Are they still alive?" Forthwith asked, as calm and professional as when he vaporized Volxemort. "Yes." Twenty-Three replied. "They live off of fish that the whale ingests." Pinoc breathed a massive sign of relief at this. "Let us go there now." Commander Forthwith said, and they were off.

They arrived at the spot in the sea where the tracker said the whale was. "See anything, Commander Forthwith?" Pinocchio asked. "Not yet, young puppet" Forthwith said, searching the screen. "Bring us in closer, Fifty." And they were brought in closer, until they saw a giant whale. "There! There's the whale!" Jiminy was the first to blurt out. "How are we gonna get them out?" Pinoc asked. "This will be easier than I expected." Forthwith said, "That whale works for us. Put me on speaker!"

Meanwhile, Monstro the whale was snoozing lazily when he was startled awake by the sound of Commander Forthwith's voice on the loudspeaker. "Monstro! This is Commander Forthwith speaking. You have swallowed some friends of ours, it seems."  
"What?" Monstro replied, in a heavy East London accent. "I have? Oh blimey! This is so embarrassing, I hate when that happens. A-hem! Excuse me in there, I have just been informed that I have swallowed some friends o' my employers. Due forgive my honest mistake, and shall open my mouth so you may walk out with ease." And he opened up. About a minute later, Geppetto, Figaro, and Cleo emerged from the whale's interior.

"Thank you so much, Mr. Monstro," Geppetto said, in a heavy Italian accent, "but how did you find out we were in there? Who do you work for?"  
"Why, the Starcrushers, of course!" Monstro replied, pointing at the giant spaceship looming overhead. Pinoc was pressed against the windshield, waving and calling to his 'father' (although the latter was in vain considering he was yelling through two-inch thick glass as well as being about 150 feet above Geppetto.  
"What the hell are the Starcrushers?" Geppetto asked, baffled at what was going on. "The Starcrushers are an elite organization of people who are searching for the greatest guitar solo in the universe." Said Monstro, "I joined them for the job benefits and because I do love a good guitar solo."

Just then the ship came down and hovered just above the surface of the water, the airlock opened, and Commander Forthwith, Pinocchio, and Jiminy Cricket were standing there to greet Geppetto, Figaro and Cleo. "Hey dad!" Pinoc said, eager at seeing his 'father' again. They all climbed in the airlock, which sealed shut. Then they climbed into the elevator and ascended to a level Pinoc and Jiminy hadn't seen before. "This," Commander Forthwith explained, "is Level 2: Sleeping Compartments. We'll be flying a long distance tonight, and you could all use some sleep no doubt. Also, the restrooms are down the corridor if you need to freshen up, but please don't leave level two until we say you can tomorrow. Goodnight." And Forthwith left after showing them their sleeper compartment, #14. Over the intercom came "All dayshift crewmen to the Level 2. All nightshift crewmen to the Command Deck." And Geppetto tucked Pinocchio, Jiminy, Figaro, and Cleo in, climbed into bed, and turned out the light.


	5. The Cat and the Camel

"Think they're asleep?" Pinocchio asked in the dark. "What?" Jiminy Cricket asked, startled awake from a restful sleep. Suddenly the door opened and a crack of light shined into the compartment as Pinoc opened the door and slipped out. "Damn it…" Jiminy thought as he forced himself up to follow the mischievous puppet down the hall.

"What are you doing?" He asked, catching up with Pinocchio. "Didn't Commander Forthwith instruct us to stay put 'til morning?"  
"I know." Pinoc said, "But I wanna explore. This is a big ship." And he ran to the elevator at the end of the corridor. He hit the call button, and the elevator came promptly (he guessed most of the crew were either asleep or in the command deck and thus not using the elevator). Inside were buttons for each level of the large, circular craft:  
Level One: Command Deck  
Level Two: Sleep Compartments  
Level Three: Kitchen and Mess Hall  
Level Four: Meeting Room  
Level Five: Storage  
Level Six: Main Reactor and Engine  
Airlock

"Where to go? Where to go?" Pinoc asked himself excitedly. He finally decided to go see the Meeting Room. After a very short elevator ride, the stepped out into a large circular room, with a large table in the middle and 100 chairs with another, very large chair for Commander Forthwith at the head of the table. The walls were lined with maps of various planets, record albums and singles, CDs, tapes, even 8-tracks. There was a large screen, a bulletin board with memos and things.

After spending some time looking at the various trinkets and artifacts, suddenly they heard someone coming. The elevator opened, and a pair of crewmembers stepped into the room. "Are you sure that you left it down here, Eighty-Six?" One man asked. "I know for certain that I did, Twelve." The other replied. Pinocchio and Jiminy had to sneak aboard the elevator, and Pinoc hit the first button he saw: Level Six: Main Reactor and Engine.


	6. Leaving the Starcrushers

Jiminy and Pinoc emerged from the elevator out into a smaller room than the Meeting Room a few levels above. This was the engine room. It was filled with turbines and transformers to power the Starcrushers' ship. Pinocchio ran down a gap between a pair of electrical generators. Jiminy followed.

"Pinoc! Pinoc! I don't think you should be running around down here, you could mess something up!" Jiminy called. "I don't care! I don't wanna let the Starcrushers catch me! You saw what they did to that Volx-guy earlier!" the puppet replied fearfully. Then suddenly, he hit a wall head-on. His wooden head damaged the glass surface, and an ominous green glow set in. "What did you do?" Jiminy Cricket asked nervously. "I don't know..." Pinoc replied, backing away, equally nervous.

This was the main reactor of the ship. It was gigantic and cylindrical and had many glass tubes. Pinocchio had damaged it and it was possibly going to explode. Suddenly, the elevator opened and five Starcrushers and Commander Forthwith burst out, evidently having been notified of the reactor's condition on the Command Deck. "What is going on here?" Forty-Four asked. "The reactor!" Twelve said. "How did this happen?" Forthwith asked the air, when suddenly he noticed Pinocchio. "YOU!" He demanded. "What are you doing down here? Did you cause this?"  
"Uh…" Pinocchio stammered. "Me and Jiminy were trying to keep from getting hurt!" He lied to the Commander. "There was… a cat and a camel, and… they… were plotting to mess up your mission, so that you could never find the guitar solo!" His nose didn't budge.  
"Those fiends!" Commander Forthwith exclaimed. "We must find them, and stop them. Who knows how much damage they've done to this ship! Which way did they go?"  
"Uhh… Pinoc stalled, trying to think of a lie, "That way!" he cried, pointing down a random corridor, which Forthwith and his entourage took off down.

Just then the ship began to lurch. "Oh God, that can't be good…" Pinocchio said. "Why couldn't you have just stayed put?" Jiminy asked. "Forget that, let's grab Geppetto and get the hell off this thing!"

So they ran back to the sleeper compartment, where they found a very baffled Geppetto, Pinocchio told him that the ship was having engine problems and probably going to crash, so they had to get off the ship immediately. They found an escape pod, and climbed in. It was fired off south by southwest according to the on board compass. They landed in a large field on an island in the Irish Sea.

"Where are we?" Geppetto asked. "That's a damn good question…" Pinoc said, looking around. It was a nice island. Temperate climate (duh, they were in the British Isles), soft grass, trees, but no sign of civilization anywhere. "Maybe the island isn't inhabited." Jiminy posited. They started walking for a bit until they came to some train tracks. "Well, clearly somebody lives here, because someone obviously put the tracks down." Pinoc said. "Maybe they're old tracks and the island is no longer inhabited." Geppetto suggested. "No…" Jiminy said, examining the tracks up close (he was an inch tall, so this was easy). "Unused tracks have rust. These are clean and smooth. Somebody's living here and using the train."

Suddenly they heard a screeching sound coming up fast and saw a train with a panicked look on its face trying hard to stop before hitting them.


	7. Sodor, So Good

The train stopped about four feet from our heroes, who, for some reason, didn't think to _get the hell out of the way_. "What were you thinking?" The train, a large blue engine with a short smokestack and a rather snobby look on his face, asked. "Playing on train tracks! Haven't you been taught better?"  
"We honestly didn't know this island was still inhabited." Geppetto explained. "What's your name?" Pinocchio asked.  
"My name is Gordon. How could you think the Island of Sodor was uninhabited?"  
"So that's where we landed!" Jiminy burst out.  
"Yes," Gordon said. "The Island of Sodor, just southwest of Man, and with a far better Cricket team if I do say so myself…"  
"Do you know which way a town is?" Geppetto asked.  
"You're talking to a train." Gordon said, an 'I-can't-believe-you're-this-stupid' vibe in his voice. "I know every settlement on the island. For that matter, all you have to do is follow the tracks, and you'll get there. But here, I'll take you to the biggest settlement, where I'm headed now. Hop aboard."

They all thanked Gordon, and were taken to the main settlement on the island, Tidmouth. It was a fairly large place given the relatively small size of the island. The station was nice too. It had a big glass roof overhead, through which they could see the clear blue sky overhead—which was a special treat considering how overcast and gloomy Britain normally is. Geppetto decided to buy lunch at the café across the street. "That'll like, be £10.22, bro." said the zit-faced high schooler running the register. Geppetto realized he had a problem. "Do you accept Euros?" The punk-wannabe youth looked at the bills showing the continent and a bridge on one side and a metal strip and monument on the other. "I'll have to like, ask the manager. Be right back, bro." And he stepped out, leaving Geppetto standing there, holding his continental money, fearful that the Eurozone he had been able to sell so many wood products thanks to, might have finally failed him. Then the kid returned with the manager, an overweight man wearing business suit pants and a dress shirt with a pocket protector holding a few pens. He examined the bank notes. "Sorry, mite. Yer outside the Eurozone! Yer money's no good here."  
"But please, kind sir!" Pinocchio burst in, "Me and my father and my conscience as well as the cat and the goldfish who get very little mention have traveled so very far and are so very hungry! We used to live happy, carefree lives in Belfast, until our neighbors found out what church we go to, and they said to us 'you came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfuckers', and burned our house down and chased us away! And then we fled by boat, until our boat was attacked by Somali pirates, and we were left for dead if it weren't for the fact I was on my school's swim team, and I was able to carry us all to your shores, where we walked for miles until we came to this café, in search of some food for our tired, hungry, full-of-sea-water bellies. _OH PLEASE, SIR! I BEG OF YOU!"_ Within minutes, they were eating.

"Thank you so much, my boy!" Geppetto rejoiced, as they feasted on fish and chips. "I can't believe he bought that pack of lies." Jiminy Cricket said. "Somali pirates? _In the Irish Sea?"_  
"Yeah," Pinoc said, "that boss guy was a real moron!"  
"So, you think you could fool me, eh?" Said the manager, who it turned out had overheard everything they just said.  
"Well, technically, we did—" Pinocchio began, but was cut off in midsentence. "Yer gonna pay fer yer lies, you bloody lyers!" And he pulled off his shirt, revealing not only a beer gut, but also a decent amount of bulk—more than enough to seriously mess up an old Italian woodcarver, an animate puppet, and a cricket. Being smart people, they ran for their lives.

They ran down the high street, with the angry boss in hot pursuit. They ducked down a side street, but he kept following them without missing a beat. But then Pinoc had a plan: He ran out into the middle of a busy street, and stood there yelling "HEY FAT ASS! OVER HERE!" And the manager got even angrier and ran toward the young puppet, who jumped out of the way of an oncoming double-decker bus. The manager wasn't so lucky.

"Okay, good. He's out of the way for now." Pinocchio said, "What do we do now?"  
"Retiring!" Yelled an unfamiliar voice, "What the hell for!"  
"Principal Wesentlich, I have two hooks, an eye patch, and a peg leg. I can barely function in my position anymore. I probably should have retired a few limbs back, but oh well. I'll collect my unemployment check. Thank you, Socialist policy!" and the man with two hooks, an eye patch, and a peg leg hobbled off whistling the tune of 'The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything'.  
"Great!" Principal Wesentlich said, throwing his hands into the air. "Where am I gonna find a new woodshop teacher on such short notice?"  
"I'll do it!" Geppetto said, jumping at the chance.  
"What are your credentials?" Principal Wesentlich asked.  
"He built ME." Pinocchio said, stepping forward and revealing his talking puppet form to the man.  
"By the gods!" Said Principal Wesentlich, "You're hired, Mr…?"  
"Geppetto."  
"You're hired, Mr. Geppetto!"

Geppetto became the new woodshop teacher at Tidmouth Middle School, and Pinoc was enrolled there.  
"Class," said the teacher the next morning, "we have a new student today. A young boy all the way from Italy named Pinocchio." And Pinocchio and Jiminy stepped into the room. "Hey, teach!" Pinoc said excitedly to the teacher. "Oh boy…" the teacher said. "Pinocchio, would you care to tell us about Italy, and how you got to Sodor?"  
"It'd be my pleasure!" And the mischievous marionette began…

"My papa carved me out of solid oak, and because he said a prayer to Barnard's Star, a blond fairy named The Blue Fairy swooped down and by the power of her magical power stick, brought me to life! Then we went to work smuggling nuke parts to our buddy Ayatollah in Iran on a favor. That was pretty cool, and we got lots of Persian hookers out of it, too, until the CIA caught us, and nearly had us sent to the firing squad. But fortunately our Italian citizenship came in handy, and our home country required that we be tried in an Italian court, and our country doesn't have the death penalty, anyway! So we were put on trial, which didn't bother us. We know how our government works! We just slipped the judge a few hundred Euros and said we were innocent, but then the guys from the CIA slipped the judge a briefcase full of Euros and said we were guilty! But Ayatollah was able to send in his friends, the Starcrushers, to get us out of there. And—"  
"Pinocchio, are you making this up?" the teacher asked.  
"What makes you think that?" Pinoc asked.  
"Because I've talked to your papa, and his story conflicts with yours."  
"Oh, uh…" Pinoc found himself in something of a bind. Until...  
"He just FORGOT all that stuff about Ayatollah and nukes and corrupt judges because of Post-traumatic stress disorder!"  
"Whatever you say, kid." The teacher said, and had him take his seat.

She wrote _Mrs. Cunningham_ on the blackboard, and began the lecture. "Class," she asked, "do you know what today is?"  
One boy raised his hand. "5 November, Mrs. Cunningham."  
"Correct, Charlie! _'Remember, remember, the fifth of November…'_ Anyone know what that line refers to?"  
Pinocchio was waving both hands, begging to be called on. "Um… Pinocchio?"  
"It's when V blew up parliament and killed all those dictator guys!" was his answer.  
"Not quite." The teacher replied. "Today is Guy Fawkes day. Does anybody know who Guy Fawkes is?"  
One girl raised her hand. "Yes, Lucy?" Mrs. Cunningham asked. "He was a man who, like Pinocchio said, tried to blow up parliament and kill overthrow the monarchy. He was captured on this day and executed. On the anniversary, we celebrate the triumph of the king and the capture of the traitors."  
"Well done, Lucy! Yes, that is what Guy Fawkes day is all about. Any questions?"  
"Where does V fit into this?" Pinoc asked.  
"That's a movie, kid." Mrs. Cunningham replied, flatly.


	8. Time in Tidmouth

That afternoon, after school had let out for the day, all felt satisfied. Then Jiminy remembered something. "It just struck me." The cricket said grimly. "What?" Geppetto asked. "You have a job, and Pinoc has a school, but there's one thing we don't have:"  
"A house." Pinocchio finished, realizing this as well.  
"I thought I'd forgotten something." Geppetto said, snapping his finger.  
"What are we gonna do?" Pinocchio asked.  
"I don't think he'll be able to afford a house for a while with a teacher's salary." Jiminy said. "_Scopata!"_ Geppetto said angrily. "What are we gonna do?"

So they slept in a box car that night. It wasn't so bad, actually. They just had to knock out the creepy old vagrant who'd been sleeping there first. The next day, being a Saturday, they set to look for a proper place to live.

But the one thing preventing them from finding a house easily was the fact that they had only a teacher's salary to live off of. They ultimately found a small apartment under a butcher shop about four blocks from the school. They had Apartment B to be specific. Apt. A belonged to a man who used to sit on the stairs of civil buildings shouting nonsense at the sky until he was given a job selling inexpensive newspapers on street corners; Apt C was occupied by an old lady with a lazy eye and a pet raccoon who didn't seem to understand the concept of neighbors, since she was always wondering why there were other people coming in and going out of the doors next to hers.

"Why do you folks keep hanging around my apartment? Are you stalking me? I'll call the police!" She warned them. "We are _your neighbors!_" Geppetto tried to explain to the woman. "You see those doors over there?" He pointed to the doors for A and B. "That one leads to my apartment, and that one leads to Phil's apartment."

Just then, Phil himself came walking up, ranting to himself loudly. "—I'm tellin' you fuckers you ain't gonna win nothin' with you and your damn lynch pins. But that's what I'm talkin' about, don't you know what they say? It's Elvis fu—"  
"Good day, Phil," Geppetto said, turning to the man, "do you by chance have an extra paper with you?"  
"Actually I do. £1.00 please."  
"Thank you very much, Phil." Geppetto said, giving him the money in exchange for the paper. He flipped through it, skimming the various human interest stories, interviews with minor celebrities, and advice columns that comprised the paper's entirety.

Pinocchio came running home after detention for pantsing the gym teacher that day. He passed Geppetto and Phil, and stepped inside. Their apartment was small, but they made it work. The door let into a combination kitchen/living room with a counter, sink, office refrigerator, and George Foreman Grill™ in the kitchen section, and a couch, side table, lamp, telephone, radiator, and small TV set in the living room section. There were two doors opposite the entrance: On the left was the door to the bathroom, which had a toilet, sink, and shower; and on the right was the apartment's lone bedroom, which had two beds as well as places to sleep for Jiminy Cricket, Figaro, and Cleo's bowl.

Pinoc threw his bag on the counter, and flopped down on the couch to watch TV. He switched it on to find an episode of _Brideshead Revisited_. "Come on!" He whined, "Isn't there some _G.I. Joe_ or _Danger UXB_ or _A-Team_ on?" He flipped through the channels. It turned out Sodor only got a few broadcast networks: BBC, a station from the Isle of Man, and Tidmouth had a local station. On clear nights he could pick up a station in Belfast.

Geppetto came in. "Hey dad." Pinocchio said, channel surfing. "Hello my boy," Geppetto replied, "how was school today?"  
"Pretty fun. Got a B on my math test, learned to say 'I'll have a cold one please, and do you know when the next bus to Bonn is?' in German, and got a detention 'cause I pants'd the gym teacher."  
"Well," Geppetto said, looking on the bright side, "at least it's only one bad thing and two good things."  
"By the way," Pinoc said, still channel surfing, "I'm going to a party tonight."  
"Who's party?" Geppetto asked, putting down the paper, finally forced to accept that it contained nothing of substance.  
"Benny Hatt's" the puppet said.  
"Hatt, Hatt… Why does that name sound familiar?" Geppetto asked the air. "Probably because his uncle, Sir Topham Hatt, owns about half the island and his name is everywhere." Pinoc said. And it was true. Sir Topham Hatt did effectively own about half the island; All the railways, most of the factories, two of the three movie theaters in Tidmouth alone, all the shipping docks, and every store and restaurant that wasn't a Wal-Mart or a MacDonald's respectively was either owned by him or owned by somebody who was owned by him.

That night, Pinocchio (and Jiminy of course) went off to Benny Hatt's party. Geppetto had figured what with his uncle being such a powerful, respected figure; surely it would be an okay party, and let him go. They took a tram car to get across town, where Benny's house was. When they got there, they were stunned. The house was a gigantic mansion, with a gated yard, a fountain, and valet. From inside, they could feel the bass line of the music shaking the ground.

They ran up the driveway and into the house. Once again they were stunned. The front door let into a gigantic main hall, where there were buffet tables, a DJ, four flat screen TVs, each playing a different movie! Benny Hatt came up to greet Pinocchio. "Hey Pinoc!" He said, "Welcome to the party! Grab some food, grab a drink, watch a movie, find a girl, anything you want!"  
"A drink?" Pinoc asked.  
"It's all good! The Sodor's drinking age is 12. Just don't get wasted or my dad will flip."  
"Don't worry! I'm a responsible drinker!" Pinocchio said. Had he not invoked that paradox, his nose would have grown about six inches.


	9. Statutory Reap

"Wake up, Pinocchio, my boy! You've been out all night!" came Geppetto's distressed voice at finding his wooden boy laying knocked out floor of Benny Hatt's mansion. He had come to pick up Pinoc after getting wind that he'd had too much to drink and was passed out on the floor. "Dad?" Pinoc asked, coming to. "Dad, what happened?"  
"You got drunk. Again." Jiminy said bluntly.  
"What? Damn it! I just can't hold my liquor, can I?" Pinoc exclaimed.  
"Come home, my boy, I'll make you some chowder." Geppetto said.

They took the tram across town, to the butcher shop, and walked to the alley and down the stairs to the door for Apartment B where they lived. They stepped inside, and found a letter on the counter. "What's this?" Geppetto asked. Pinocchio picked it up, opened it, and read aloud:

"_Dear Pinocchio The-Talking-Puppet,  
We wish to inform you that you have been reaped to participate in the annual Hunger Games. By the time that you read this, Peacekeepers will have surrounded your place of residence and be prepared to extract you by force if necessary."_

The second he was finished reading, a voice from outside the door yelled (almost unintelligibly) "!" One second later they kicked the door clean off the hinges, and heavily armed men dressed in white marched in, grabbed Pinocchio, and proceeded to exit. Pinoc's efforts to resist were useless. One turned to Geppetto and said "You can watch your son participate in the games on Channel 22." And propped the door back as he left the woodcutter and his pets behind.

Outside, Pinocchio (with Jiminy Cricket, of course) was protesting like crazy. "Lemme go! What about Sodor law? I don't even live in Panem!"  
"You don't have to live in Panem to be reaped. No one can escape the power of the Capitol." One of the soldiers replied in monotone.

They entered a large hovercraft with **THE CAPITOL** written on the side. It was smaller than the Starcrushsers' ship. It was also less streamlined and more evil-looking. "Where are we going?" Pinocchio asked, accepting that he was in their captivity. "We will take you to the Capitol to get you ready, and then you'll be delivered to the arena." One of the soldiers replied.

They took him to the Capitol, which was a big, shining, evil-looking city, that despite being the largest city in the country, was probably no more than 100,000 people at most. Panem was a rather sparse nation. The hovercraft landed, and the ground it landed on lowered into the ground and they entered a dark, evil-looking compartment. "This is the training center." The soldier said.

Over the next few days, he trained, was interviewed by Caesar Flickerman, and was given his wardrobe. Then he was finally flown to the arena. It was a giant desert-like area. "Looks like you rented a chunk of land in Arizona." Pinocchio quipped. "Don't wreck the effect." The soldier said.

He was placed at the starting point, and the countdown began.  
_"Ten…nine…eight…seven…six…five…four…three…two…one…GO!"_


	10. We Arena Bad Situation

The first thing Pinocchio did was _run like hell_. He made for a cave next to a crashed USAF fighter jet. Inside, he consulted Jiminy as to what he should do. "It's about time you started conferring with me!" He said. "Yes, I know!" Pinoc said, "Now please, what should I do?"  
"I think you should hide, and try to avoid getting killed. Eventually they might forget about you, and they'll go about killing each other, and you can win that way."  
"Sounds good." Pinocchio said, so he did.

Until he was ambushed by another tribute who'd been hiding deeper in the cave. "YOU!" the boy wailed, "_YOU!"_ Pinocchio yelled back, even though he had never seen this kid before in his life. The boy then charged towards Pinoc, spear in hand. Pinoc was just able to jump out of the way, and the kid ran out of the cave, where he met some sort of painful end at the hands of another tribute. Pinocchio and Jiminy were never sure how, since they never saw it happen; only heard him scream and get cut off by what sounded like an ax chopping.

"How did I get into this mess?" Pinocchio asked himself. Jiminy Cricket, his official conscience appointed by the Blue Fairy, piped up and answered. "Well, if you'd just gone home to Geppetto's that night instead of paradoxing up your nose and getting drunk, then you wouldn't have met the Starcrushers, gone to Sodor, and gotten reaped. So maybe you should start listening to me!"  
"Don't go chiding me now!" Pinocchio said harshly. "Somebody could hear us!"

And somebody did. Another tribute came running towards them, clothing shredded, face painted warrior-style, waving two shanks and screaming wildly. "Oh shit, what's this?" Pinocchio asked. Just then a parachute dropped from the sky and landed in front of Pinoc. It had a label that read _THROW ME AT HIM_. The young Italian puppet did just that and after the smoke cleared, the berserker tribute had been replaced with a 20-foot deep crater. "Sweet!" Pinoc exclaimed, then looked up at the sky and said "THANKS!" Then moved on. Caesar Flickerman in the studio weighed in, saying "Young Pinocchio probably wouldn't have survived that tribute if it hadn't been for the generous donation of a grenade by Capitol resident Deus X Machina. Mr. Machina said of the little puppet 'I like the wooden boy. He's got just the kind of amoral spunk we love to watch in the games. My money's on Pinocchio to the end.' That's remarkably generous, Deus, and we know Pinocchio thanks you."

Meanwhile, back in the field, Pinocchio and Jiminy Cricket had covered a fair amount of ground and were heading for the woods. At this time, a girl with exceptional bow and arrow skill had sawed a large branch with a tracker-jacker nest on it loose and it fell to the ground, bursting in front of Pinocchio and Jiminy. Fortunately, they had no effect on either because Pinoc was made of wood and thus immune to their stings, and they refused to sting Jiminy, a fellow insect. The other tributes in the immediate vicinity weren't so lucky.

The pair continued eastbound toward a large ravine leading down to a river. There they stopped, rested, drank, and plotted what to do next.  
"What the hell are we gonna do now?" Pinocchio asked Jiminy. Before he could answer, someone else did for him. "DIE!" They turned around to see a very large man with arms the side of redwood trunks and a bloodthirsty look on his face. "Oh fuck." Pinoc swore. "You may have gotten away all those other times, puppet-boy," the goliath said, "but you ain't getting away this time!" He moved in closer and closer, Pinocchio realizing that he intended to snap his neck. "Whoa, man, let's take a second to consider this!" Pinoc tried to reason. "My neck's made of wood, so you probably won't be able to snap it—"  
"Oh don't worry." The giant boy said, "When I was first learning to snap necks, I started on wooden models like you before moving up to real people. You'll be like riding training wheels for me!" And he continued to approach them, arms outstretched, fingers ready to grab…


	11. Up And Away

Just then a gigantic spaceship came down from the sky and its low-hanging airlock crushed the mammoth tribute like a bug. From the airlock emerged a man dressed like a member of Kraftwerk. "Young puppet, anthropomorphic cricket, come with us!" he said.  
"THE STARCRUSHERS!" Pinocchio and Jiminy yelled simultaneously in shock. "We're getting you out of here. Please come now." The Starcrusher said calmly.

Once they had boarded, the ship took off and they quickly left the arena and flew onward. "We examined the security video, and discovered that not only was your cat-and-camel story false, but that you and anthropomorphic cricket were the ones who damaged our ship's reactor." The Kraftwerk man said. _Oh crap._ Pinocchio though, _Now we're gonna get it…_ "Are you gonna vaporize us?" He asked nervously.  
"No." the man replied. "Our ship was forced to make an emergency-landing a little ways from Hadrian's Wall. Our ship has been fixed and is working fine. We don't waste precious energy on pointless grudges."  
"Oh… cool." Pinocchio said. "So, why'd you rescue me?" He then asked. "The same reason that we picked you up the first time." The Starcrusher replied. "By the way, care for a Newport?" He said, offering Pinocchio a smoke. "Sweet! Thanks!" Pinoc said, taking it happily and lighting up, forgetting to ask _what_ that original reason was.

On the command deck, they were taken to Commander Forthwith. "I assume that you are curious as to why we picked you up" Forthwith said. "Oh yeah, that... Why?" Pinocchio asked, putting out his cigarette. "Because," the Commander explained, "we know that deep within that wooden cranium of yours, is contained the knowledge that we need to locate the ultimate guitar solo!"

At hearing this, Pinocchio and Jiminy could only stair in utter bewilderment at the possibility that Commander Forthwith as well as the other 100 men who made up the Starcrushers were all completely insane. "Why do you think I know where the ultimate guitar solo is?" He asked. "Because your head is made out of oak—is it not?"  
"It is." Pinoc confirmed.  
"Oak is a long-lived wood. And anything that lives long is automatically wise. And therefore, your head, which is made of wise wood, knows many things. Hopefully one of those things is the location of the greatest guitar solo in the entire universe."  
"Okay…" Pinocchio said, getting increasingly weirded out.  
"And now that you're here and cannot escape again," Forthwith continued, "we can finally do exactly what we've been wanting to _all along!"_  
"What are you gonna do to me!" Pinocchio asked, borderline freaking-out.  
"This:" Commander Forthwith said, and leaned in closely to the young puppet's face, and spoke in the typical ultra-professional, non-emotive monotone that the Starcrushers almost always spoke in "Where can we find the greatest guitar solo in all of creation?"

Pinocchio was stunned. He had expected something much worse.  
"You're just gonna ask me?" He asked. "Did you think that we would cut your head open?" Forthwith asked, "Don't be ridiculous." He said calmly. "Such a move would be incredibly stupid and inefficient. What if we made a mistake and killed you?" Pinoc was relieved, but unsure just how to respond. To the best of his knowledge, he had _no clue_ where they could possibly find the greatest guitar solo in the universe? He had never even technically left Europe, let alone the Earth. "I dunno. I never thought about it before." He replied genuinely. "Think young puppet, think!" Commander Forthwith implored. "You must have the answer!"

Pinocchio wasn't sure what to do. He seriously had no freaking clue where to find the perfect guitar solo. But he had to say _something_. The Starcrushers would clearly not take no for answer. "Uhhh…" he stalled, "wait a minute!" He said, thankful his nose couldn't give him away. "I'm getting something! I'm getting something! I think… I think… I think the ultimate guitar solo…"  
"_Yes?"_  
"Can be found…"  
"_Yes?"_  
"On a planet…"  
"_YES?"  
_"In a galaxy…"  
"_TELL US YOUNG PUPPET, WE ARE ON THE EDGE OF OUR SEATS!"_ Forthwith declared, showing a level of emotion Pinoc and Jiminy previously thought the Starcrushers incapable of.  
"Far, far away! On a planet… uh… with… tall trees made of mongoose feathers… and… uh… vast prairies of… linoleum… and… uh… rivers… running with… limeade… and… populated by… birds… with feathers made out of machine guns, and… eyes made out of infrared cameras, and… legs made out of… jetpacks—"

The second he finished, Commander Forthwith rushed back to his commander's chair, swiveled around, and began giving orders to the crew. "We have the location!" He said, once again in his strict, no-nonsense demeanor, "Set course for a planet in a galaxy far, far away. Said planet's topography includes trees comprised of mongoose feathers, linoleum prairies, and limeade rivers. The inhabitances are fowl with machine gun feathers, infrared eyes, and jetpack legs. Go! Go! Go!" The men raced back and forth, passing commands, sitting down to control seats, checking dials and meters. Pinoc was impressed at both how efficient these guys were, as well as how damned _passionate_ they were about their goal. But one thing still worried him: What would they do when they never found such a planet? The description he gave was complete nonsense he had pulled out his rear. And he didn't even specify a star system, or even a galaxy beyond that said galaxy was 'far, far away', and that he'd ripped off from George Lucas. Oh well, he'd figure something out…


	12. Yurillymaikmiwannaholla

Before taking off, Pinocchio had asked Commander Forthwith to stop back at Sodor to pick up Geppetto and his pets who barely get any screen time. Afterward, they were once again given a sleeper compartment, Pinocchio was given an electro-shock collar that would zap him if he went anywhere near the engine room, and the ship took off, leaving the earth, quickly passing the moon, Mars, Jupiter, and briefly stopping near Saturn to refuel by siphoning gases from the planet's atmosphere. After this they left, and were out of the Solar System in about two days total.

They flew through the galaxy at an incredible speed. Their ship's engines were powered by ionized plutonium nuggets placed inside an atom smasher at the ship's lowest level. This meant that a distance that would take Voyager 1 six hundred years to traverse, the Starcrushers could travel in about two hours. Even then, it was still a fairly long trip, since they were also leaving the Milky Way. So during that time, Pinoc spent a lot of time in the meeting room, listening to the various songs the Starcrushers had collected over the half-decade they had been on their search. _Electric Ladyland_, _All Things Must Pass_, _Led Zeppelin I_, _Metal Machine Music_, _Moving Pictures_, _Hyaena_, _Achtung Baby_—just to name a few. Considering how good some of these songs and their guitar solos were, Pinoc was surprised they hadn't considered one of these to be the ultimate guitar solo.

Pinocchio and Jiminy were dozing one lazy afternoon (since they couldn't do anything except eat at mealtimes and listen to the Starcrushers' record collection, all the afternoons were pretty lazy), when one Kraftwerk-man stepped in and summoned them. "Young puppet, anthropomorphic cricket, please come to the bridge now." The pair got up and followed him to the elevator and to Level-One (the bridge). There, Commander Forthwith was waiting to speak with them.  
"Yes?" Pinoc asked.  
"Young puppet," the Commander said, "I believe we have found the planet you told us about, and we wish you to confirm whether or not this is it."  
"YOU FOUND IT!" Pinoc burst out, "BUT THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!" Everyone looked at him briefly, confused. "Uh… I mean… I didn't think you'd find it so quickly… Uh… let me see it."

Images and scans of the planet were promptly brought up on screen. Pinocchio was flabbergasted at what he saw: Long, limeade rivers flowing through thick mongoose-feather-tree forests, leading out into wide open planes of tacky, brightly colored linoleum, which were dotted with small towns and villages inhabited by gigantic birds whose feathers were machine guns, eyes were infrared, and legs were jet-powered. "Uh… Yeah… I think this is the place…"

"WE HAVE CONFIRMATION!" Forthwith declared loudly for all to hear, "Begin the descent. We will land outside a village and attempt peaceful contact." The ship began to leave the wide orbit around the planet it had been parked in, and descended towards the surface. The ship was briefly surrounded by the yellow-orange glow of reentry, then was flying about airliner altitude above the surface, looking for a village to land near. "How about this one, Commander?" One crewmember asked, bring up on screen a settlement on the riverbank. "Good choice, Seventy-Nine," Commander Forthwith said, "let's land there." And the ship was brought down toward the surface of the planet, landing with a gentle thump just outside the village. Forthwith said something about lowering the landing gear, which would make sense considering how precarious the ship would be, balancing just on its airlock alone.

They stepped out, and locals were already gathering around. "Greetings!" Commander Forthwith said, "My name is Commander Forthwith. We are the Starcrushers. We come in peace. Where is your leader? We wish to speak with him." One such bird stepped forward and asked "Why should we tell you anything?" Just then another gigantic starship, this one even larger than the Starcrushers ship, and even more evil-looking than Capitol's hovercraft. Its presence terrified the natives, who began to scream and scatter. From the horrible craft bellowed a massive voice over the ship's intercom. "ATTENTION PEOPLE OF YURILLYMAIKMIWANNAHOLLA! SURRENDER NOW AND BE COLONIZED, OR FACE TOTAL GENOCIDE—"  
Commander Forthwith did not like this at all. He turned to the ship and called with his megaphone, "DO NOT INTERUPT US WHEN WERE ARE ENGAGING IN DIPLOMACY!" And he pressed a button on his ship's remote, and from the Starcrushers' ship fired a massive laser that hit the other ship and made it explode into millions of debris pieces that rained down from the sky. The locals rejoiced. "Commander Forthwith," the one native said, "You saved us all! That was evil Emperor Zurg's ship, and he was bent on either colonizing our world and enslaving us to mine resources for him, or all be killed and have his own slaves mine our planet. You're a hero to our culture now!"

"Excellent." Commander Forthwith said. "Now please tell us, what is your planet called? What is the name of your race?"  
"We are the Squackgobblers of planet Yurillymaikmiwannaholla, and my name personally is Hedlas Chikinrun. I am the mayor of our village, Toopockisnotded."  
"It is an honor to be in the presence of your fine people, Hedlas Chikinrun." Forthwith said, bowing before them. "And we are glad to have helped liberate you from the oppressive Emperor Zurg. Now if we could speak with you and some of your elders please. It is a matter very important to us."  
"Of course, Commander Forthwith!" Hedlas said, "Come right this way…"


	13. The Squackgobblers

The next few hours were busy with the Starcrushers and the Squackgobblers engaging in diplomacy. The Starcrushers gathered information on the Squackgobblers' culture and lives, and especially studied Squackgobblers' music, since their culture was supposed to possess the song with the greatest guitar solo in the entire universe.

Pinocchio's family, meanwhile, had little to do. Geppetto couldn't carve anything because all the trees were made of mongoose feathers, Figaro was terrified of the gigantic birds that were the Squackgobblers, and Pinocchio was still stunned that the insane planet he described actually existed, and very possibly _did_ have the guitar solo the Starcrushers searched for so religiously. "Maybe they were right…" He said to himself at one point. "Maybe oak really is a wise wood… Maybe I really do know where to find the ultimate guitar solo… just… subconsciously…"  
"Pinoc, this is a big universe." Jiminy said, "So big, in fact, that many scientists are convinced that it simply goes on forever. In _all that space_, there's guaranteed to be a planet matching your description purely due to probability! What I find remarkable is that the Starcrushers were able to find it as fast as they did. Where are we anyway? This planet, I mean. What galaxy is it in?"

"We are on the planet Yurillymaikmiwannaholla, orbiting the star named Imabitondapujjisaihd by the natives, near the center of the galaxy Nevvagonagivyuup—called Messier 86 by Earth astronomers—in the Godaihoapnobodysmellsmifart Region—called the Virgo Cluster by Earth astronomers." Said Twenty-Three, walking up to them.  
"Wow," Pinocchio said, "you guys are really good."  
"Thank you, young puppet and anthropomorphic cricket." Said Twenty-Three. "I've been assigned to a hut with you two. We're going to be spending at least a month on this planet, mingling with the natives. Commander Forthwith told me to tell you, young puppet, that we the Starcrushers can't thank you enough. Without the information you gave us, we never would have found this planet. I suspect we are closer than ever to finding the ultimate guitar solo."  
"Well, you're welcome." Pinocchio said, unsure if he should ever tell them he just made this all up… assuming he _did_ make it all up, that is.

They had been assigned a small hut at the edge of the village, Toopockisnotded along the banks of the Andneatheriskurt River. The Starcrushers had learned the Squackgobblers' basic society and culture pretty quickly. They were, compared to earth, at about early 20th century level, though they did have some higher technology, such as flat screen televisions, and unlimited texting plans. They were, however, mostly defenseless against off-planet based attacks such as Emperor Zurg, who has been trying to colonize them for years, and were only just able to fend off his attacks. Zurg wanted to mine their planet for linoleum, which was a rare resource in this particular galaxy.

The following morning, Commander Forthwith came to speak with the rest of the Starcrushers. "Crew, Hedlas Chikinrun and I have struck a deal: They will help us find the ultimate guitar solo, if we help defend them from Emperor Zurg, who it appears, is still at large. That ship we vaporized yesterday wasn't his command vessel. We will wage combat against Planet Z in order to keep the good Squackgobblers of Yurillymaikmiwannaholla free of tyranny and oppression. The one hundred men all saluted in unison, and Pinocchio put his hand up and said eagerly "And we volunteer too!"  
"What are you doing, boy?" Geppetto said, panicked at being volunteered for combat against an evil space emperor.  
"Very good." Commander Forthwith said. "We invade tomorrow before dawn…"


	14. The Invasion

Due to the rotation of Yurillymaikmiwannaholla, and how the Squackgobblers measured time, the local clock had 20 hours instead of 24, so thus lunch time was 10 o'clock noon. The Starcrushers and Pinocchio's patchwork family climbed aboard the ship at 5:00AM, just before dawn. They all strapped in, and the landing gear retracted their spikes, and pulled back into the ship, which lifted off from the ground and left the surface of Yurillymaikmiwannaholla, and shot upward through the atmosphere until they were in space. They then left the planet's star system, bound for Planet Z, which orbited a red dwarf on about 30 light-years away.

The ship moved quickly through interstellar space. And inside, Commander Forthwith was supervising the checklist.  
"Plasma rays?"  
"Check."  
"Plasma ray shields?"  
"Check."  
"Radar deflectors?"  
"Check."  
"Thrusters?"  
"Check."  
"We are now entering Planet Z's star system, Commander." Eighty-Six said. "How long before they visually detect us?" Commander Forthwith asked.  
"Most likely not until we are right above their planet. But there is always the chance we could be spotted by a passing ship who would report us."  
"I want all radio frequencies on and listening." Forthwith ordered, "If we any ship shows signs of having sighted us, vaporize that ship immediately."

They continued onward, keeping watch for any sign of detection. They knew they would be detected eventually, but they wanted to hold it off as long as possible. They ultimately were able to get right into low orbit around Planet Z when suddenly several radio frequencies went berserk. "INTRUDER! INTRUDER!" They blared, "SOMEONE HAS PENATRATED OUR STAR SYSTEM!"

Then the lasers started firing, and someone spoke to them over the radio. "Who are you? What do you want?" one of Zurg's countless brain pods demanded them on screen. "I am Commander Forthwith, and we are the Starcrushers." Commander Forthwith replied, "We are here to defend the freedom of the Squackgobblers of Yurillymaikmiwannaholla. You have harassed them long enough." Suddenly the screen switched from the brain pod to Emperor Zurg himself. "_Oh, look! The Squackgobblers sent somebody to make us stop bullying them! I'm sooo scared!_ What the hell are you idiots thinking? You're one damn ship! I'm a frickin' evil emperor! I've got _brain pods_ for God's sake! What do you have?"  
"This." Forthwith replied laconically, and vaporized three of Zurg's ships on the spot. For a second Zurg looked genuinely disturbed by not only their sheer power, but also the Starcrushers' cavalier attitude toward killing hundreds of troops at once. Then he resumed his poker face and said "No matter. I have hundreds more. Destroy the Starcrushers now!" he ordered, and his other ships began firing on the Starcrushers. They were able to evade being hit and vaporize ship after ship. Zurg was getting frustrated. "GIVE THEM EVERYTHING WE'VE GOT!" And suddenly his entire fleet was coming at the Starcrushers, firing all at once. Now they started taking a few hits.

"Commander, what do we do?" Fifty asked.  
"Increase fire power." Commander Forthwith said. "Do all that we can to evade them. We can drain their energy cells."  
"Yes sir." Fifty said.  
Their ship took a few blows, but was still holding up very well against the forces of Zurg, who was getting very angry at this point. "That's it!" He said, "Everyone fire together! And take them out with the _**HYPER DEATH RAY!"**_ and his minions brought out a massive, evil-looking death ray. Several regions of Planet Z went dark, presumably because the electricity was needed to power the weapon. Meanwhile, Zurg's standard forces kept up their fighting.

"Commander," Fifty asked, "what will we do?"  
"The only thing left _to do_." Commander Forthwith replied.  
"You don't mean…?"  
"Yes. Arm the tractor cannons for Procedure 999."  
"Prepare for Procedure 999!" Fifty repeated, and the men started running from station to station, preparing.  
"What's going to happen?" Pinocchio asked.  
"You'll see how we got our name." Commander Forthwith replied calmly. About forty seconds later, they switched on a massive tractor beam, which they fired at the aging red dwarf star Planet Z orbited. The tractor beam kept focused on the star for about fifty-eight seconds when—

**BOOM!** The star burst into pieces and the pieces fell on top of each other and went dark. Planet Z was now a rogue planet.  
"What the hell just happened?" Zurg demanded, wanting to know why the sky had suddenly gone dark. "It seems that they crushed our star, Emperor Zurg." Replied one of the maggot-like creatures working for him, studying the screens.  
"What!" Zurg yelled, flying into a panic. "They crushed our star! Oh my God! Those maniacs! They blew it up! Quick! Somebody get me a smoke!"

Meanwhile, the Starcrushers, taking advantage of the confusion, vaporized several more of Zurg's ships, damaged part of the enemy's radar and communication network, and quietly took their leave. They entered hyper speed so they could not be pursued. Pinocchio was astounded. "That was amazing!" He said to Commander Forthwith. "I can't believe you actually crushed that star! Incredible!"  
"Yes, thank you, young puppet." Forthwith said. "Like I told you earlier, we have caused the structural collapse of a few celestial entities in the past. Orphaning Planet Z will cripple Zurg's empire. They will be too busy trying to collect their remaining forces and relocate to attack Yurillymaikmiwannaholla."

And the ship continued on its way back to the Squackgobbler's homeworld.


	15. The Blue Fairy Strikes Back

When they returned to Yurillymaikmiwannaholla, the Starcrushers and Pinocchio's batch were met with a surprise. "Starcrushers," Hedlas Chikinrun walked up saying, "there's somebody here who wishes to see your friend, the puppet."  
"What?" Pinocchio asked. "Who on this planet—in this galaxy—could possibly know me, let alone want to tell me something?" Pinoc's answer came in the form of the Blue Fairy, who, he was unhappy to see, looked very displeased. "You!" She said, a scolding tone in her voice.  
"Hey, Blue Fairy…" Pinoc said, trying to make light of things, "how's it going…?"  
"Don't play dumb with me!" She cut him off. "You chaotic, mischievous, immoral, good-for-nothing little twit! Your 'father', Geppetto here, created you and wished on my star that you could be a real boy, so I granted his wish halfway so you could learn to be virtuous. I even gave you a little mechanism to discourage lying. And what do you do? You figure out how to get around that! Now, okay, I understand, that could be a bit annoying, and it could potentially force you to pay more severely for your lies, but instead, you run off with these freaks—" she said, gesturing to the Starcrushers, "—and wreak havoc!"  
"Wait a minute!" Pinocchio protested. "Most of that stuff I did, I did trying to help my family—the ones I love. How is that bad? Isn't that one of your beloved virtues?"  
"Well, yes," the Blue Fairy conceded. "You do love your family, and you never hesitate to show bravery in protecting them. So that's two points in your favor: you love your family and are brave. But still! The things you have no problem doing to others! Like in Tidmouth on Sodor when you literally threw that restaurant manager under a bus! Or damaging the Starcrushers' ship! And let's not forget disobeying them when they told you to strap in—for your own good! So in other words, you've got bravery, yes, the bravery of a sociopath!"  
"So… I take it I failed the test?" Pinoc asked innocently.  
"Darn right you failed!" the Blue Fairy said, her face quickly turning red. "Ugh! The next time some pathetic craftsman whines about wanting kids, I'll just plop an orphan on his doorstep. Clearly inanimate things brought to life lack innate morals. So long, puppet!" And with that, the enraged fairy left.

"Oh, Pinocchio," Geppetto said, beginning to weep a little in the typical sad Italian man style of weeping, "you'll never be a real boy! Oh…"  
"Not necessarily." Commander Forthwith said, stepping forward.  
"What do you mean, Commander?" Jiminy asked.  
"We could use our ship's particle ray to rearrange your atoms to form human flesh instead of wooden parts." Forthwith explained.  
"You would do that?" Pinocchio asked.  
"Of course." Forthwith said, "You have helped us immensely, and deserve a reward. Step right over there and we can begin."

So Pinocchio stepped just under one of the ship's particle beams, and Commander Forthwith said "Set beam to 'atomic rearrangement; form of _human male_." Suddenly Pinocchio was hit with a powerful beam that temporarily took him apart and reduced him to free atoms. Then it reorganized those atoms to form a real boy!

"Yes!" Pinocchio said, looking his new flesh and blood form. "It worked!" Geppetto rejoiced, "you are a real boy! Oh thank you, Commander Forthwith, for making my boy a real boy."  
"It was nothing. Your son has helped us get this much closer to finding the greatest guitar solo in the universe." Just then one of the Kraftwerk-men walked up to Commander Forthwith and said "Commander, I'm afraid I have bad news regarding the guitar solo."  
"What do you mean, Ninety-Two?" Forthwith asked.  
"I was inquiring about the guitar solo with the natives," Ninety-Two said, "and it seems that they _once_ had the solo, but no longer do."  
"What?"  
"It's true." Hedlas Chikinrun said sadly. "We once were in possession of the greatest guitar solo in all of creation! It was too amazing to describe, the crescendos, the power chords; oh it could bring tears to the eyes and chills to the spine! But sadly, it was stolen from us a few years ago by pirates."  
"Well this complicates our plans." Commander Forthwith said calmly. "Do you have any idea where they may have gone?" he asked Hedlas.  
"I'm afraid not, Commander." Chikinrun said sadly. "Our people don't possess the technology for spaceflight yet."  
"But don't you have another copy of the recording?" Pinocchio asked.  
"Sadly not." The Squackgobbler said. "Such an amazing solo is difficult to capture in its full glory due to the limits of our recording technology. There were only a few copies, and they were all stolen."

"Well," Commander Forthwith said with remarkable calmness, "no matter. We will just have to keep searching. Young former-puppet," he said, turning to Pinocchio, "would you and your family like a ride back to earth? We can easily take you back there if you wish."  
"Sure! Thanks!" Pinocchio said eagerly.

So Pinocchio, now a real boy, his father Geppetto, his conscience Jiminy Cricket, and Geppetto's pets, Figaro and Cleo, said goodbye to their friends the Squackgobblers, and were taken back to earth by the Starcrushers, who, at Pinoc and Geppetto's request, returned them to Tidmouth on the island of Sodor, where Geppetto resumed his job as woodshop teacher, and Pinocchio had piles of missing homework to do, and their lives gradually returned to normal. Meanwhile, the Starcrushers headed off into space once again to continue their search for the ultimate guitar solo.

**The End**


End file.
